


What Can't Be Said Outloud (but should be written anyways)

by despairing_rage



Series: Painful Words [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Happy(ish) ending, Hurt, Hurt and comfort, Letters, Philza Angst, Technoblade angst, TommyInnit & Everyone - Freeform, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), tubbo angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27956336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/despairing_rage/pseuds/despairing_rage
Summary: It's been a year since Tommy ran away. A year since they found his letters left behind.A week since they got the first letters back.(This will make a lot more sense if you read the first one, Words Left Behind (that should have been said sooner). This is an alternate ending to the series, with the other ending being Words of Regret (that remain unheard). You don't have to read that ending for this ending to make sense)
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Tommyinnit & Tubbo
Series: Painful Words [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045649
Comments: 53
Kudos: 612





	1. It's been a while, hasn't it? - Tommy

**Author's Note:**

> (The letters exchanged)
> 
> As always, this in no way represents the content creators, just their personas

Whoever finds this letter,

  
  


It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How long, a year now? It’s kind of hard to keep track of time. It’s not like I’ve really been focusing on that. 

You’re all probably very confused by this letter. Why would I bother trying to get in touch after what has been roughly a year? Well, it’s pretty fucking obvious I think. I miss you guys. I guess I regret leaving sometimes. ~~It’s awfully lonely.~~

But don’t worry about me. I’m not a child in need of saving. ~~I don’t have to rely on any of you anymore.~~

Still, I figured I should at least let you know that I miss you all. Ugh, this is so sappy but whatever. I wasn’t sure if it was worth the risk of all of you shooting at me, but I think that you all deserve an apology…

It was stupid for me to leave behind those stupid letters. They probably made you all upset. So, I decided to spend some time explaining myself. I’m even going letter by letter (from what I remember writing that is) I left a bunch of letters with this one. They have names written on them. 

Tommy

PS. Don't try to find me. It'll be hands on sight. (I'll win)


	2. Tubbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The follow up of Tommy's first letter
> 
> (for anyone who didn't read the first work, basically Tommy left before being exiled and left behind letters. The first few chapters are him expanding on or following up on the initial letters)

~~Toby Tubbo~~ Big T,

I’m sorry that my letter to you was so short. I was fucking pissed off, but that was still a bitch move of me. 

You ~~are~~ were my best friend. You were there for me at some of the worst times in my life. I miss the time we used to spend together. Sometimes it hurts to remember, but I still try my best to hold onto those memories. 

Remember when we wanted to run away together? I really wish we had. None of this would have happened. We could have been living peacefully, building together and playing with bees. What’s done is done and all, but I still like to imagine a life where I listened to you. 

I’ll be at least a little positive here, ignore the splotches of water on the page. Or else.

-You are smarter than you think

-You always seem to know what to do

-You’re one of the kindest and people I’ve ever known

-I admire your compassion

-I miss you

 ~~-I don’t know if this is my place, but I forgive you for everything. Even though it should be me saying sorry.~~

That’s all I can write for now, my eyes are kind of blurry. Don’t think about that too hard. Seriously, don’t. 

I hope you actually get this letter. I ~~hopefully~~ won’t ever see you again, but maybe we can keep talking. I don’t know. Whatever. 

Tommy

  
PS. If you tell anyone about the contents of this letter... just don't. If you’re someone other than Tubbo reading this, fuck you bitch boy.


	3. Ghostbur

Ghostbur,

I think that saying you’d only skim through my letter was stupid. Looking back, I know you actually do give a shit. I don’t know if you remember more now or not… but I do know that even when you remembered next to nothing you cared. ~~Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t know why you cared.~~ ~~I just… I think that you do.~~

I’m sorry for wishing that you were the same as alive-Wilbur. I shouldn’t have done that. It was pretty fucking stupid, don’t ya think? Because you’re not him and hopefully won’t ever be him. As much as I miss alive-Wilbur, I know that he was a piece of shit. He blew everything up. He treated me like I was nothing. ~~He made me believe that I’m nothing.~~ ~~Sometimes I still struggle to move on. Then again, I’ve always been a bit of a sentimental bitch huh.~~

I think what I’ve finally come to understand is that I can’t be so hung up on the past. I need to ~~be a big strong man~~ learn to accept what happened. I can’t change it, so I might as well try to get better, ya know? ~~I don't know if you've gotten better since I last saw you, but I hope you did. I hope you got better.~~

The ending note of my letter was pretty shit. From what I remember, I totally blamed you at least a little. Again, a bitch move of me. I could’ve just left that part out, but I didn’t. I think it’s because I was so pissed off while writing it… anyways, I’m running out of time to write this. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear back from you… but if you do end up writing a response, leave it by ~~me and Tubbo’s~~ Tubbo and I’s old base. Also, don’t you dare try to find me. As I mentioned earlier, hands on sight. I don’t care that you’re a ghost. 

Tommy

  
  
PS. Forgot to say this, but I miss you ~~a lot.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why can't I write
> 
> Please point out any mistakes,,,, this was barely edited ;-;


	4. Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof

Dad,

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been such a bitch in my letter to you. 

I think that I regret leaving. It’s lonely all by myself. I miss you. I miss everyone.  ~~ Even though my letters probably didn’t leave that impression. ~~ I miss you to the point of thinking of sending you my coords. You are the only one who would arrive quickly but not immediately tell everyone else. I just… it gives me a bad feeling, thinking of doing that. I don’t know why. I would ignore it, but I think I’ve learned to trust my gut.  ~~ That’s what I should’ve done long ago. ~~ That’s why I’m going to have to pass on telling you where I am.

I decided to write these letters instead.  ~~ Not very pog ~~ Kinda lame I know. I hope this gives you some comfort though… my last letter probably didn’t do much to help. I’m still mad at myself for writing such a dumb letter.  ~~ Are you mad at me? ~~

If you want to give me a letter back, leave it in the meadow we used to visit.  Back when we were a family.  I can’t promise that I’ll re spon d, or even receive it. Also, don’t look for me. If you try to find me,  I’m sorry but you’re getting decked. 

Fuck, this letter was supposed to be nice, not me literally threatening you.  That’s not pog . I’ll try to keep on track from now on. 

I’m pretty sure that I said you were an ‘ok’ dad in my last letter. That’s not true. You’re so much better than that. Yeah you may accidentally have favoritism, but that doesn’t make you a bad parent.  ~~ Trust me, I understand why I’m not your first choice. ~~

Ugh, this keeps turning all negative and shit. I swear that it’s not intentional. So don’t start thinking that it is … ~~sorry.~~

Back to what I was saying, you aren’t just an ‘ok’ dad. You were there for me in some of my darkest moments, giving me reassurances and warm hugs. You took me in when nobody else would, you raised me to be who I am today.  ~~ For that, I cannot thank you enough ~~ ~~.~~ I feel like shit for being such a dick in my last letter… probably made you feel terrible huh? 

Oh fuck, I’m being negative again… this positive shit is fucking hard man. 

Ok, this time I’ll remain positive or whatever…

  
  


I think I remember telling you that you didn’t betray me… might’ve crossed out ‘unlike everyone else’, but honestly I don’t know. I mean that. I don’t think you’ll betray me. You haven’t before I don’t think you’d start now.  ~~I know I thought the same of Techno and Wilbur, but with you it’s different… I don’t know.~~ Whatever . My gut tells me to trust you. I know I said earlier that my gut told me not to give you my coords, but that is just because I know you’d come and find me… but I’m not ready for that yet.  I haven’t seen much of anyone for a year (approximately), and I don’t think I’m prepared to suddenly interact with anyone again.

If it makes you feel better, you’re the one I would feel most comfortable seeing again. Well, maybe tied with Niki… I don’t know. The thing with Niki is that she would start some sort of search party, while I think you’d at least try to come alone. That’s another reason why I  think I can trust you. 

  
  


I’m going to leave it here because my hand hurts and I still have a shit ton of letters to write.  Sorry. Not pogchamp, but whatever. 

  
  


Tommy

  
PS. I will still consider sending you my coords. If I don’t give them, don’t search for me. I know (or think) I said I wouldn't deck you, but that'll change if you dare manage to find me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does anyone know what the coords are of l'manberg????? I want to make Tommy's coords really far away


	5. Fundy

Fundy,

I lied on my last letter to you. I mean, it wasn’t exactly intentional... ~~Does that make it not a lie..?~~

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m trying to make up for the whole ‘I have no good memories with you and you betrayed me’ bullshit. 

I do remember the times when we were close. I guess I was just too  ~~emotional~~ pissed off to think of them. So yeah… sorry. 

As stupid as this is, I don’t really want to talk about the good things. Not right now. Maybe it’s because I’m in a shitty mood. I kind of feel like I would just ruin them if I tried to write about them.  ~~ Is that dumb? ~~ Try not to feel ~~d~~ ~~ isappointed ~~ too upset about that. ~~If I’m in a better mood I’ll probably write some stuff down (note: I don't think I will be in a better mood)~~

But going back to the ‘you betrayed me’ bit… you actually didn’t do that. Yeah you were a dick, but you didn’t  ~~ really ~~ betray me. I think you  just ~~got tired of me~~ couldn’t deal with  ~~ my bullshit ~~ me constantly causing problems. So I don’t feel that betrayed anymore.  ~~ At least you didn’t pull a Wilbur on me. ~~

I feel like this letter is very pessimistic. Not really what I was going for, if I’m being honest. Not pog. 

Ugh, this is fucking hard. How the hell am I supposed to be nice when I gave myself literally nothing to work with in my last letter? This entire thing is just me going back on what I said.

Well, I guess that’s actually good enough, huh? I’m going back on what I said earlier. I still think you were being a dick, but the other shit I said just isn’t true. At least, it doesn’t feel true to me anymore… when I was writing it I mostly meant it. I may have exaggerated a tiny bit.  ~~ Does that make it better? ~~

  
  


I don’t know what else to say. I’m leaving it here. ~~Deal with it.~~

  
  


Tommy

  
PS. Damn, this is shorter than I thought it would be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet


	6. Ranboo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for briefly disappearing. This fic will be updated around every other day (it depends)

Ranboo, 

I didn’t say this in my last letter (I think), but I want you to know that you’re a good person. I don’t blame you for anything that happened. Looking back, I don’t think you would have ended up betraying me. You know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

I do genuinely wish we could have been friends. Well, maybe we were friends. But I didn’t have time to get close to you. Not really. 

Did you blame yourself for what happened? You better not have.  ~~ That’d just be a dick move, considering that I specifically ordered you not to. (that was my attempt at a joke, I know it’s not funny but shut up) ~~

I miss you. You were fun to be around. There isn’t much else for me to say. Bye. 

  
  


Tommy


	7. Not a chapter

so idek if anyone wants me to finish this.... yeah.

lemme know if you do,,, if nobody cares I won't work on this anymore. I'm not going to delete it, but I won't be updating it,,, sorry

EDIT: I was going to delete this chapter but I am so happy about all of the really nice and supportive comments that I'm keeping it


	8. Niki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement to continue this. It really means a lot to me, and gave me so much serotonin and inspiration :D
> 
> I have two chapters already written, not including this one, which will be posted within a week or so. After that updates will be a bit slower (school really do be beating me up), but I will do my best to finish the story.

Niki, 

I wish I could have written more to tell me how much you ~~meant~~ mean to me. I’m pretty sure I kind of did that in the letter I left for you, but in all honesty it’s just a blur. 

I’m not sure exactly what to say here…

I miss you. You’re one of the people I’ve missed the most. ~~Part of me used to wish that you would find me~~ I suppose it’s good that I’m writing to you now… even though I don’t know what to say. 

I guess the overall message is ~~I was a complete idiot~~ I regret the contents of the letter I left, I feel like I failed you. Maybe not as hard as everyone else, but still. You get what I mean. 

Maybe I should just list what I’ve missed most about you? I think that’d be kinda sappy... but honestly whatever. 

-I miss your kindness

-I miss the way you’d let me steal your pastries and whatever else you baked

-I miss what it felt like when you forgave for all the dumb shit I did

-I miss your hugs

… Ok this does sound way too sappy and dumb, so I’m leaving it there. Just keep in mind that there is more, I’m just too lazy to list them. Sorry I guess. 

_**If**_ I ever return (don't get your hopes up too high), you'll be one of the first people to know. ~~Even if you don't forgive me~~ I won't stop caring, and I refuse to let you down again. 

Tommy

  
PS. Don't walk away from this under the impression I promised to come back. Or else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you to everyone who has stuck around and encouraged me! :D
> 
> I still am in shock that this many people enjoyed my writing, as someone who wants to one day publish a book it means the world to me!  
> This series has definitely been my favourite works of mine, so I am very thankful that so many people stuck around!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/despairing_rage
> 
> Tumblr:  
> https://despairing-rage.tumblr.com/  
> https://let-me-be-cryptid.tumblr.com/
> 
> My new discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/v9BRtNQY8g


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